December 4th, 2019
There’s no where to begin and no adequate words to describe the depth of sadness and pain in my heart. I prayed you would take this, but somehow knew deep down that you would have us walk the hard road. So, here we are one week from that dreaded phone call of screen results that left our heads spinning, hearts grieving, but somehow hope that better news would come. Now we’re one day from seeing our baby boy on the ultrasound- flipping and rolling- only to read the body language of the doctor as he entered the room that our ultrasound was consistent with our screening- 1:10 risk of Trisomy 18. A chromosomal abnormality I didn’t even know existed just one week prior. Our seemingly healthy baby had a hole in his heart, cysts on his brain, clenched fists, and an abnormal shaped skull. Somehow again I knew that’s what he would say- just deep down a moment I hoped to never live. You gave me peace as I held the tears in- but it didn’t stop all the questions of why. Why does this happen to anyone? Why is this happening to us? Where are you?
God is big enough for my questions and through the Psalmist, the Spirit even gives us the words that speak the depths of our emotions to the Lord. Prayers even found in the word of God that I once thought were irreverent and ought not be uttered from my mouth gave me verbiage for vulnerability and a rawness before God that I had never felt free or able to wrestle with.
“I cry aloud to God, aloud to God, and he will hear me. In the day of trouble I seek the Lord; in the night my hand is stretched out without wearying… Will the Lord spurn forever, and never again be favorable? Has his steadfast love forever ceased? Are his promises to an end for all time? Has God forgotten to be gracious? Has he in anger shut up his compassion?
...Then I said, I will appeal to this, to the years of the right hand of the Most High. I will remember the deeds of the LORD; yes, I will remember your wonders of old. I will ponder all your work, and meditate on your mighty deeds. You way, O God, is holy. What god is great like our God? You are the God who works wonders; you have made known your might among the peoples. You with your arm redeemed your people, the children of Jacob and Joseph.” Ps 77